August 10th,well into this year. There seem to be several problems with me, and my health. Largest a broken hip. I am about two and a half months since the incident. The pressure this put on my wife was a lot. As my recovery progressed I developed and infection in hip. Another hospital stay. More recovery and re-hab at home. More stress on the wife. She is coping with things but not the happy lady I married. I suppose you could play the what if game. But if people knew the things that will happen in their life, good and bad, would they embark on life's adventure? For me life has been adjusting to satiations that come up. Some were correct others not. The play book for life is very murky. More like several guide lines. How we each see those guide lines varies a lot. We each have to chose our own path. Sometimes this involves other people. As we grow from childhood to adults, these guide lines change. As a young adult I was happy to take chances, street racing at night and building hot rods. After the Army tour (3 years) I was married and needed to make a living for my wife and myself. This involved some business and hourly work. Not a lot of money but a living. At forty years old I went to work for wages. I still had ideas and developed some to fit the work at the time. I have been retired now for 14 years. I have seen my world shirking to much smaller footprint. As I look down the road of life I know it is getting closer to the end, but I can't see the end yet. But there are several signs warning me that it is coming. How do I deal with the physical and mental problems that are here and yet to come? How do those around me that I love handle the burdens I place on them? My wife and children have been the focus of my life. I have tried to be a good husband and father. There have been times I have failed. There have also been successes. Right now I don't feel I am in a successful mode. I see myself as a drain on my wife and her happiness. My attitude needs to change back to positive. I know this but am having a difficult time making the change.
Pappy1
2 comments:
Dad - you have dealt with so much in the last few years. We have been there to help you get through it and have also had to process what is happening. It's true that your care has been top of mind for all of us, and Mom, especially, and sometimes she has had to rearrange her plans for the day. She has become a bit of an expert in caring for your particular wound to the point where she trains the people who have paid money to be trained for such a thing. It may not be what she expected or necessarily wanted to learn, but she's done it.
And you, you are resilient beyond all expectations and that is truly amazing and a gift for us to have more time with you. Your mind is sharp, but your body is dulling. You are handling it the best you can, as is Mom, as are me and Sandy and your siblings.
The fact that you can express these thoughts and feelings, to me, is a beautiful thing.
My friend, Jeffrey Joe, was a man with many ailments through the last years of his life. Nearly every day for nearly as long as I knew him, he would write a list of gratitudes on Facebook. Some were silly, some were poignant, some were lovely, others were crude. But these lists became something many of us looked for in our FB feeds. They were affirmations of what is good and worth celebrating in life. I'm not telling you or even suggesting you start publishing gratitude lists, I'm just asking you to think on the things for which you have gratitude. Mom - for caring for you, make sure she knows how much it means to you that she has made your wound her bitch! Family, Lulu and all the previous dogs who brought comfort to you, the birds that visit the fountain in the backyard, your red rumbling truck, the fact that dialysis exists!, an occasional beer with tomato juice, the quiet hours at night when you are online, that redneck calendar that gives you the chuckles... There are many things in your life for which to be grateful. Try to reflect on those things when times feel rough. There will most likely be more difficult times to come, more anxiety, more tears, and more conflicts, but let's try to balance those times with easiness, gratitude, smiles, and more love. I love you.
Thank you Isabel. I know I have many blessings, but some times they stray from my thoughts. That is the time to really think about them. I was having trouble sleeping and let myself fall into pity pool. But I felt I needed to express those feelings, to get them out so I could see them. Thanks again for understanding and caring.
Pappy1
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